Resources for Friends and Family

Safe Haven Ministries often receives calls from concerned family members or friends of women whom they suspect are experiencing abuse. The following represent frequently asked questions and the answers we commonly provide. Several of following resources are excerpted from “The Healing Path,” A Guide for Survivors of Domestic Abuse, published by the Kent County Domestic Violence Community Coordinated Response Team.

• What is Domestic Abuse?
• Examples of Abusive Behavior
• What about Couples/Marriage Counseling?
• Counseling for Abusers
• Where to Get Help?
• Recommended Reading

What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of controlling behaviors that may include physical assaults, sexual assaults, emotional abuse, isolation, threats, stalking, and/or intimidation. These behaviors are used by one person in an intimate relationship to control the other. The partners may be married or engaged, heterosexual or homosexual, living together, separated, or dating.

Abuse can happen to anyone regardless of background, race and age. About one in four women will experience domestic abuse sometime in her lifetime.

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Examples of Abusive Behavior

Emotional/Verbal Abuse

• Ridicules opinions/beliefs
• Continually criticizes or calls names
• Humiliates in public or private
• Threatens harms or suicide if relationship ends
• Lies/contradicts, plays mind games
• Withholds access/information about family finances
• Destroys property or threatens to kill pets

Physical Abuse

• Pushes, kicks, bites
• Hits, slaps, punches
• Throws objects or destroys property
• Locks partner out of home
• Refuses to help when partner is ill or injured
• Uses weapons against partner
• Abandons partner in dangerous situations

Sexual Abuse

• Forces unwanted sexual acts on partner
• Accuses partner of cheating
• Insists partner dress in a sexual manner
• Commits painful or cruel acts
• Constantly criticizes partner sexually
• Endangers partner’s sexual health with unprotected sex 
• Forced sex is against the law whether or not the attacker is your partner.

Spiritual Abuse

• Quotes scripture to justify abusive, dominating, or other oppressive behaviors
• Forces partner to violate religious beliefs
• Prevents partner from attending church

What about Couples/Marriage Counseling?

When abuse is present in a relationship, couples and marriage counseling is not recommended for several reasons, primarily because a person who is being abused may not be safe in a counseling session for fear of retribution from the abuser. Initially, individual counseling is recommended, although reconciliation counseling may be an option after the abuse has ended.

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Counseling for Abusers

Treatment for batterers should be done in a group setting. Groups teach batterers how physical, emotional, and sexual abuse hurts their partners and their children. Groups also hold batterers accountable for their behavior and provide a setting for positive change. They cannot guarantee change, but it is possible for abuse to be un-learned.

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Where to Get Help

Domestic Abuse Providers in Kent County, MI

Safe Haven Ministries:  616-452-6664 (616-940-2394 after hours)

YWCA West Central Michigan: 616-451-2744

Batterer Intervention Services in Kent County, MI

YWCA Men Choosing Alternatives to Violence: 616-459-4652

Men’s Resource Center: 616-456-1178

Diversity Counseling and Therapy Center: 616-451-1965

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Recommended Reading

Family and Friends Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action when someone you care about is being abused
Weiss, Elaine

To Be an Anchor in the Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women.
Brewster, Susan.

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